On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”