On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You Might Also Like
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.