On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?