[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Become ungovernable.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.