On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.