@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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@PaperWash: hey can I use your bathroom? cashier: only paying customers jesus...ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
@NYC_Blonde: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
@maisonwithapen: *shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?