@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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@Playing_Dad: Teacher: Does anyone have questions? Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? T: Holy Shit
@novicefather: I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.
@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: What's your emer- DOG: THERE'S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat? DOG: NO THEY'RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG