@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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@marknorm: You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
@causticbob: Following the leaking of nude photo's of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
@tastefactory: My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring
@LoriLuvsShoes: How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend