On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”