Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.