I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!