Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed