@rev_revolver: once a woman in the mall said "isn't everything cuter with babies?!" and jeff replied "not coffins" and just stared at her until she cried
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@Bird_Horowitz: Lets get freaky. I mean really Freaky. Like I can't look you in the eye for two days kinda freaky.
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@LerbsyCherbs: I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.
@CutCopyPasta: [Pet Store] Clerk: Ma'am what can I help you with today? Me: hi I'd like to buy this line C: You mean snake? M: Yes your largest worm please