@rev_revolver: once a woman in the mall said "isn't everything cuter with babies?!" and jeff replied "not coffins" and just stared at her until she cried
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@JT_IV_: What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops] Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk! Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
@celestinelea90: Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene
@GrumpyComments: Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.