My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.