kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.