Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
RT if you know someone like this!!!
grotesque if literal: baby food
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.