Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Harsh but fair
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.