Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo