@TribalSpaceCat: Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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@LostFelicia: Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now! Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
@therealeatwood: BRAIN: Wake up! Someone’s knocking on the door of your hotel room! ME: No one is knocking and I’m not at a hotel. BRAIN: Haha, you’re up tho
@markleggett: At some point, male "pick-up artists" are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.