Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
secret recipe
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE