Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours