Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do