Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!