Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.