“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.