It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
A short story of betrayal:
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.