Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.