@TheDairylandDon: Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
@Bipartisanism: How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games: Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
@Brampersandon_: I have a very particular set of skills *puts down phone* *sounds of a struggle* *yells* Ok you can't see this but I'm totally doing the worm