Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?