One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Thrilling chase underway
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.