One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”