One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
You wish you had this many chins.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!