One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
i like to flex on them by shrugging