One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
The biggest mystery of our time
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO