One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
eggs benadryl
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.