One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
You Might Also Like
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.