@TheWeirdWorld: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
@Xoolun: Cops: Jay X? Me: Yes. Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike. Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
@david8hughes: [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"