*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.