4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Was it something I said?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
bout dat hot dog summer
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.