If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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23. the denim jacket
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
CRYING
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Why you watching this shit?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now