Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her