One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.