One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Life hack
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.