Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Sing it!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.