When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.