I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The Joker was right
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The struggle is real.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.