One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.