One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.