One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will