“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Life is a suicide mission.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.