“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Do one person every day that scares you.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.