One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Schrödinger’s cookie
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”