One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak