One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free