Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Weirdos gonna weird.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.