One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
relationship goals
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today